A Father's Story

The first thing that struck me was 'we're not married,' and I knew that we had to remedy that right away because I wanted Linda and I to have a life together, and for my child to have a proper family home.

I guess the next thing I thought was 'Can I afford to have a baby?' To care and provide for a little human being seemed to daunting, but this question was followed swiftly by 'Can I even hold a baby?' I had nervous uncomfortable feelings about holding something so fragile. I don't know if other men go through such intensive self-examination when they discover they're about to become a parent, but ultimately I was consumed with whether I would be able to do all the things it takes to be a father.

After all I had to emotional understanding of what it takes to be a father. My only experience is knowing what it took for my own father to be a father - and I'm thinking 'Can I REALLY do that?'

More importantly am I ready for that? Eventually I got beyond the questions to the point where I was thinking 'wow this is so amazing I'm going to have a family.' Suddenly I was consumed by the visual clichés of fathers and sons doing the all-American ballpark thing. Raking leaves together in the fall, mowing the lawn together in the summer... going to the beach, riding in the car... you know - all the clichés.

Linda was now well into her pregnancy and she looked amazing... She was a very sexy pregnant woman. She was confident and felt good in her own skin. I think we were playing a card game when Linda went into labor. Or maybe we were reading The New York Times, in any event, Linda was so calm and collected. So zen-like it was beautiful. In 20 minutes the baby was born, would you believe? It was so incredible, and I was like, 'There's my boy.' He had all his fingers and toes - and a head full of hair. It was so emotional, I was crying, and then I turned and looked at Linda, she was sitting up looking perfectly calm. I was covered in sweat and she had a matte complexion, like she was made-up for a photo shoot.

Seconds later, the baby wanted to feed, and he was placed at her breast, and just took at it. It all happened completely naturally. The umbilical cord was still attached. I have never seen anything like the colors of that cord... It was like looking at the center of the earth. The day my son was born was the most important day in my life. Emotionally groundbreaking. It was one of those rare times when you see the world clearly - a perfect new life.